Chapter Thirty-One.
The next day, as I was waiting for an appointment with the nurse, I saw Ben walking by. I saw a chance to talk to him to clear up this little misunderstanding I had perceived in spite of myself.
"Ben," I called out to him.
He turned towards me with a slightly surprised look. Then, he approached nonchalantly and posted himself in front of me.
"Yes?" said the latter.
"Can I talk to you for five minutes?" I asked with a tremor in my voice.
"Since I'm here, go ahead."
It wasn't exactly the reaction I had expected, but I was content with it. I understood that he was a bit hard on me, that he didn't appreciate me, especially if I was the reason for his suffering. I felt like I was making people unhappy. I was doing everything wrong. No wonder no one liked me. After all, I had done everything not to be.
"Uh, I wanted to know something," I began shyly. "I know you don't like me, but tell me if I've done anything to make you unhappy."
"What? Why are you asking me this, Amber?"
"Oh, I may have, unintentionally I assure you, overheard a conversation between you, Logan and Cody."
"You what?!"
"You were talking about me, so I listened in. But I want you to know that I don't want to cause you any trouble."
"You had no right, it was a private conversation," he said.
"I know, I'm sorry."
"I don't care!"
"Please Ben, explain to me if I've done something wrong!"
"But you didn't do anything!"
"Are you sure? I don't understand anything anymore!"
"It's not that I don't like you, Amber," said the young man, calming down, "but you took all my friends away from me. Logan is always with you and even before, he talked about you non-stop. Maybe you think you're the only one suffering from a lack of attention. Especially now that you're with Logan, you don't have to feel that way. He's watching you 24/7."
"It's not that simple," I replied, baffled that he had caught on to me so quickly.
"Is it? Your family comes to see you every weekend, Logan gives you his undivided attention and Ellie listens to you and is like your best friend, so tell me what's wrong, right? I have nothing because you took everything away from me. No more Logan, no more Cody because he's with Ellie when Logan's with you, my family's never around, people at this center don't care about me..."
"That's not true," I interrupted. "They care about you, they want you to get better."
"What if I don't want to?" he asked.
"What?"
"I don't want to get better, Amber, that's all, so stop bugging me with your whining and start living your life and looking out for others," he said as he started to leave.
"Wait!" I said, grabbing his arm to stop him.
"What now?" gasped Ben.
"What do you mean by that?"
"You dare to ask. But look around you. You're selfish, Amber. You may not care enough, but do you care about others? Your family and friends? Well, if you don't know, the answer is no. And..."
Ben staggered, but caught himself in extremis on the wall. I quickly reached over and put an arm under his shoulder to keep his balance.
"Are you okay, Ben?" I asked, concerned.
"I don't need your help," he replied in a weak voice.
"You're not okay," I insisted.
Then he collapsed to the ground, taking me with him. I stood up but saw that Ben was still lying there. My legs gave out on me and I began to shake him awake. Of course, it didn't work. And panic took hold of me. I screamed with all my might for help, tears streaming down my face. I screamed again and again until I was heard, feeling helpless in this situation. An anxious feeling came over me and a lump appeared in the pit of my throat and in the middle of my stomach. Then, nurses finally arrived and took Ben to the emergency wing, leaving me alone in that corridor of misery.
*****
Chapter Thirty-Two.
We were all gathered in the waiting room of the emergency room, waiting for the nurses and doctors to arrive to find out more about Ben's condition. Even his family was there, gnawing at the young man. I myself had not recovered from the fright he had given me when he had passed out in front of me.
"What happened?" Logan asked me, finally breaking the heavy silence in the room.
"We were talking when he passed out in the middle of the hallway," I explained for what seemed like the millionth time.
"What were you talking about?" said the young man, a little curious.
"Uh... things," I lied.
I hadn't really lied, let's just say I had twisted the truth. I was afraid they would find out about this discussion. I was ashamed and actually felt guilty about Ben. I felt responsible for his condition.
The silence came back, heavier and more oppressive than ever. I paced back and forth trying to relax, but it only increased my anxiety and that of others. I couldn't sit down, I couldn't stay put, so I leaned against the wall and touched its cold texture, which made me feel better.
After about an hour, a nurse came to see us. We all stood up at the same time, our eyes filled with hope.
"Ben is resting now," she began. "But I have some bad news. He's getting worse and we'll probably have to operate. We also found drug residue in his system, which has made his liver worse."
"What does that mean?" asked Ben's mother in a soft voice.
"We're going to change your son's liver. We have... a liver in our possession. But I'm afraid that with the drug in his system, he won't react well to the surgery."
"Can we see him?" said his father.
"I'm afraid not. He has been put into an induced coma to remove the drug as quickly as possible. I'm sorry."
"What can we do then?" Ellie asked.
"Go home and rest, that's the only advice I have for you," the nurse said before leaving.
We watched her walk down a long, white-walled hallway until the double doors closed on her. We became quiet and I heard my pulse racing.
"Go ahead," Mrs. Meyers said suddenly, "we'll stay here in case there's any news."
"We'll let you know if anything changes," her husband added with a slight smile to convince us.
Then we left, giving them some privacy in their suffering. I felt like a lead was stuck in my heart, making it heavy with guilt. I was angry at myself for seeing the pain in Ben's parents' eyes and it was all my fault. This fault was eating me up inside and preventing me from breathing normally. And I wondered if that feeling would ever go away.
*****
Chapter Thirty-Three.
As I walked to my room, holding back the tears in my eyes, I felt a hand on my arm. A familiar tingle ran up my arm. And not surprisingly, I turned and found Logan, his intense amber pupils riveted to mine.
"Amber? Are you crying? Is everything okay?" he asked, concerned.
And it broke my heart to see how much he cared about me.
"Yes, I'm fine. I'm just in shock," I lied.
"Stop lying to me, Amber," the young man cried. "Just like earlier when we asked you to tell us about the conversation you had with Ben. I don't know what your game is, but please tell me what's bothering you. I'm here for you!"
"That's the problem!"
"Since when is it a problem?"
"Since I realized something. Since Ben is on this bed, between life and death, because of me," I said.
"What? What are you talking about?" said Logan, stunned.
"I am guilty of his misfortune. I took all to him, these friends, his pleasure and even you."
"What?" he repeated. "But it's ridiculous. If somebody should feel guilty, it is me."
"And why is that?" I asked him dryly.
"Because he's my friend and I abandoned him. Because I didn't pay enough attention to him."
"Because all your attention was focused on me," I continued for him.
"Yes," he murmured.
"So what? We break up?"
"What? No, I never said that," Logan replied.
"But you implied it," I replied.
"I never wanted this."
"You wanted to have this discussion, so take the consequences," I added, angry at the way this one was turning out.
"No, that's not true!" exclaimed the young man with an indignant look.
"Why take my arm, then?"
"Uh ... I do not know. Yes, I wanted to talk to you, but not to get to that point."
"Yes, well, it's too late to go back!"
"Don't say that, please," he begged.
There was a silence. All we could hear was the pounding of our hearts, which were beating as fast as if we had run a thousand miles.
"I can't take it anymore, Logan," I admitted after a while. "Nothing is right in my life and I don't want you to see me like this, weak and cowardly. I'm sorry."
"Can you explain it to me now, because I'm lost," Logan said, a little annoyed.
"I'm sorry," I repeated, "but I can't go on like this and I'm afraid that the two of us... I need some time and space, I hope you'll understand."
And I ran off to my room, finally letting my tears flow.
*****
Chapter Thirty-Four.
Buried under my blanket, warm, I tried to forget the last events, in vain. They came back to haunt me, and the feeling of oppression that I had felt a little earlier, reappeared. I closed my eyes and plunged into the darkness. Then I heard a noise and jumped, pushing back the sheets that were binding my limbs.
"I'm sorry," Ellie said in a small voice, seeing that I was surprised by her arrival. I didn't mean to scare you.
"It's okay. I'm just a little on edge right now."
"Just like everyone else," she added.
"Yes," I whispered.
"How are you?" she asked.
"I don't know, actually, and you?"
"Same!"
"Is everything okay with Cody?" I asked, both curious and eager to change the subject.
"Yes, everything's fine with us. He's a little sad, which is understandable and worrisome, but I think he just needs my support," the jet-black haired girl answered.
"He's lucky to have you."
"I'm the lucky one," she sighed. "I even miss that time we stayed away from each other. But what about you?"
"What about me?"
"With Logan? I'm sorry to ask you this, but I need to satisfy my curiosity."
"No worries. Actually, I didn't really understand what happened. We had a fight and I basically went crazy."
"Why?" she said worriedly.
At that moment, I appreciated the sincerity of her words and the tone of her voice. She was really worried about me. And I needed that. I felt this need to be taken care of, to be listened to and to be reassured a little bit because not only my thoughts were messed up but also my heart was broken. It was then that tears appeared at the corner of my eyelids and slid down my face. However, I could not hold them back despite my best efforts to stay strong. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to let go and take the weight off my shoulders. So I told her everything: my guilt about Ben, my remorse about my fight with Logan, my desire to see my little brother again and to get along better with my mother even though an invisible barrier prevented me from doing so, my wish to be cured of this hellish disease that was sticking to me. I confided as I had never done before for fear of being judged or taken for a fool. Nevertheless, I trusted Ellie and knew that she would never do any of the things I had said because she understood me.
Once I had told her everything, I felt a tremendous amount of freedom and serenity within me. I breathed in deeply as I savored these new feelings that made me a little happy despite the events that had happened earlier in the week. However, I still felt a little guilty about Ben and his fainting spell was still weighing heavily on me. He had only been in a coma for two days and I was aware that it would affect me for a long time to come. However, I knew that I could count on my friends and family here at the center.
"Hello, everyone," Cody said as he entered the room and cut me off.
"Hi," I replied in a monotone voice.
"Is everything okay?" he asked worriedly.
"We just had a serious talk," Ellie explained for me, "so let's just say she's a little upset. But it's nothing serious."
"Okay. Shall we go?" he said.
"Yes!" she said enthusiastically. "Do you want to come with us, Amber?"
"No, I have some things to take care of. Go ahead and have fun!"
"Okay. Bye. Call me if you need me!"
Then they walked out, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
*****
Chapter Thirty-Five.
Sitting at my desk, engrossed in a wonderful book, Everything Everything by Nicola Yoon, I did not hear my mother enter the room. She took me by surprise by putting her hands on my shoulders, making me jump and my heart leap in my chest. I put my palm on it and said in a slightly annoyed voice:
"Mom! You scared the hell out of me! What are you doing here?"
"Well, what a welcome!" she replied. "I came to visit you, that's all!"
"Sorry, Mom. I'm a little on edge lately."
"Yes, you have. I heard about your friend."
There was an uncomfortable silence. My mother suddenly broke it as she watched me carefully.
"Honey, are you all right? You have dark circles under your eyes!"
"I'm fine," I said, pushing her hand away from my face.
"Are you sure? You are very pale!"
"Yes, I'm sure," I replied in a harsh tone.
Then I looked at her and realized that she was hiding. She was afraid of something, but I didn't understand what. Was she afraid of me? Had I come on a little too strong with her? I didn't mean to, but I couldn't help but feel that I had hurt her.
"Mom, tell me what's wrong," I begged her.
Then she burst into tears, catching me off guard. My mother never cried. At least, I had never seen her do so. She was the strongest person I knew and seeing her like that made me both uncomfortable and sad, and I couldn't help but cry too.
"No, honey, don't cry. I'm sorry and I should have told you sooner. But I didn't think you were sick because of it. I'm sorry."
"Mom, what are you talking about?"
"I never told you because I am ashamed of this moment. But ever since your nurses told me that you felt responsible for your father leaving, it's been eating away at me."
"I don't understand," I said in a small voice, dreading what she had to say.
"I didn't want to tell you because I don't want you to hate me, but if it'll make you feel better, I'll confess everything," she continued. "You have to know that I loved your father and that he loved me too. But sometimes love is not enough. And one day, I overheard some messages on your father's phone that made me worry and led me to discover that, in fact, he was cheating on me. I thought it was because of me, that I wasn't involved enough in our relationship so I let it go. But despite all the changes I made, he continued. I was in denial and didn't want to face reality. Until one day I saw him in town with this woman and at that point I just went crazy. I started screaming in the restaurant where they were, and told him to get out of here and never come back. I tried to figure out why he did this to our family, but he didn't. I'm sorry, honey. You must think it's my fault that he left."
She was telling me all this, tears rolling down her cheeks and her voice hoarse and emotional.
"Oh mom," I said, throwing myself into her arms. "I don't blame you at all. I'm quite grateful."
"Really?" she asked, hope filling her eyes.
"Yes, I always wanted to know why Daddy left us and I thought it was because I wasn't good enough, that he didn't love me anymore..."
"Oh no, honey, you're fine. You have nothing to blame yourself for. Your father loves you and I love you too. And you're the sweetest, prettiest girl I know."
"You have to say that, Mom. It's not exactly objective."
"But I mean it. And I blame myself for all the years I've kept to myself, focusing more on my work, than on you and Tony. But I will change. I promise you that."
"I don't blame you, Mom, you have to believe me. What happened to dad, after all this?"
"Oh, he went up north and got a job. At first he wanted to talk to you but I refused at first. He left me his address and phone number for you in case you wanted to talk to him. Then you got sick and Tony is a little too young to understand so I didn't give them to you. But I'm ready to do it now. After all these years, I'm finally ready to forgive him. And so are you."
"But Mom, he hurt you!"
"Yes, but wounds heal over time. And if I can forgive him, you can too. At least give him a chance to explain himself."
"I'll think about it, but I can't promise you anything."
"I hope this helps," my mother suddenly said.
"Thank you, Mom, for everything."
*****
Chapter Thirty-Six.
The next morning at 11:00 a.m., I headed to my one-on-one psychology session with Ms. Morse. When I arrived, she was talking with Dr. Parish. A smile appeared on my lips. Those two were so cute together. They were a lovely couple, made for each other. A hint of nostalgia came over me as I thought about Logan and me.
"Amber, come in, don't stand on the threshold!" she said in her soft voice, bringing me out of my thoughts.
"I'll see you later," said the doctor, kissing her. "Hello Amber!"
"Hello!"
"How are you? I heard your mom visited you this weekend!"
"Yes, she came by and I'm fine, thanks."
"Well, I'll see you later then!" he said as he left.
"You can sit down, we'll get started," said my psychologist.
I sat down comfortably in the chair opposite hers, where Dr. Parish had been earlier. Then the session began.
"Do you want to tell me about your mother's visit?"
"Oh, actually, she told me something, and now she and I are getting along better."
"What did she tell you?"
"The reason why my father left."
"And that helped you see things more clearly?"
"Yes, a lot. I blamed myself all these years, thinking that I had my share in this story but in fact I didn't and I feel ... let's say liberated."
"Like a weight off your shoulders?"
"Yes, exactly. And it feels really good."
"And you think it's going to help you feel better?"
"You mean, this revelation can help me heal?"
"Yes."
"I think it can help me. But it's not the only factor in my depression."
"Explain these other factors to me. What do you think is at fault?"
"First and foremost, I think it's my lack of confidence. I was getting there with Logan. He made me happy and I finally felt confident, at least better than I do now. I felt good with him and I smiled all the time."
"Yes, I know what you mean. Love is a beautiful thing, right?"
"Yes, but it can hurt too," I murmured sadly because I had hurt Logan.
"What happened with Logan?"
"We had a fight."
"It happens to all couples, don't worry."
"No, it's not that. This is all my fault. Ever since Ben went into the coma, I've been feeling anxious and guilty."
"Why do you feel that way?"
"Because I'm the reason he walked away from Logan! I took Logan's attention away from him and Ben turned inward and found comfort in drugs."
"It was his choice, he knew the risks. It's not your fault."
"Yes, it is!" I shouted back.
"No," said Mrs. Morse in a soft, soothing voice. "Ben's coma is not your fault. He took too many drugs and it damaged his already fragile liver. So it can't be your fault. Don't beat yourself up about it."
I appreciated her comfort and thanked her inwardly, my mouth too dry to speak. I clung to her hand, which she held out to me as a sign of consolation and support. I wanted to believe her, but the words Ben had once said to me haunted me again and again. Especially one sentence. "I have nothing because you took everything from me."
"Go get some rest," Mrs. Morse advised me. "Don't think about it and go relax."
"But the session is not over!" I retorted, finding my voice again.
"I am the mistress of this place, I can lift it as I please. Go on, go ahead! And don't ask yourself too many questions!" she said while I was leaving, trying to apply her advice, without success.
*****
Chapter Thirty-Seven.
It was 11:54 a.m. when I got the news, three days after I had my psychology session with Mrs. Morse. I was in class, lost in my dark thoughts. Then, a lady I didn't know had intervened in class, rushing to pick me, Ellie and Cody up. She wouldn't tell us more, leaving us in the dark all the way to the emergency part of the center.
When we got there, I had a bad feeling, which became worse when I saw Logan's face. It broke my heart. Tears were streaming down his face and making his beautiful blue eyes redden.
"What's going on, anyway?" exclaimed Cody, showing his concern.
"It's... it's Ben," Logan stammered in a tiny voice.
"What about Ben?" the dark-haired, almond-eyed boy shouted.
"He... "
Logan couldn't finish his sentence. But I got the gist. The world around me became a blur. I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of unease.
"I don't understand," I heard Cody say through my dizziness.
The pounding of my heart became louder and blurred my hearing. It was so loud that I couldn't hear what my friends were saying. My breath became more and more shallow and I found it harder to breathe. The echo of Ben's last words before his coma kept repeating in my head. My guilt grew stronger as I heard his words over and over again. I felt a hand shake me but I was unable to react. My panic attack had grown so strong that I felt nothing in the real world and was deeply immersed in my world of pain.
Then I was seized by uncontrollable tremors that only stopped a few seconds later. I gradually came to, with an excruciating pain in my right shoulder. I looked around in amazement and realized several things. First of all, all the faces in the emergency room were turned towards me with a sense of concern on those of my friends. Then, I noticed the nurse kneeling beside me with a syringe in her hand. Finally, I discovered that I was sitting on the cold hospital floor and realized that I had fallen. I must have been completely lost to not have noticed or even felt that I was falling.
"Amber, are you okay?" Ellie asked me, breaking the uncomfortable silence.
"I think so, but I don't remember much," I replied, holding my ten-ton head.
"You're in shock," the nurse said. "I'm going to have to check you out, see if you hurt yourself when you fell."
"No, I want to stay here and support my friends. I've already let Ben down, I don't want to do the same with them."
"You can see them afterwards, it's for your own good," she replied gently.
"Amber," Cody said gently, "you have to go. We don't mind. Take care of yourself and if there is any news, we will come and tell you."
"Okay," I replied after a while. "But I'll be back as soon as it's over."
"Absolutely!" the nurse agreed as I followed her.
*****
Chapter Thirty-Eight.
I still couldn't believe it. Ben had been dead for a week and I cried every day, locking myself in my room. My friends were just as sad as I was and it was my fault. I had killed Ben by keeping them away from him. I felt so bad. I could only find comfort in my warm sheets while my tears were lost in my soft pillow. But it didn't matter to me. Neither my crying, nor my condition which must have scared the residents of the center. And I would do anything to appear strong in front of others before I would let go and stop acting when I was alone. Being alone was the only thing that could help me. Even if it hurt my friends. They would be better off without me anyway.
That's when someone knocked on the door. I wiped my tears away with my hand and went to open it despite my red eyes. Ellie was standing in the doorway, even thinner than usual. It was then that I realized that I wasn't the only one who had fallen off the wagon. And that terrified me. Because even though I didn't care about myself, I cared about my friends, especially Ellie. And Logan, despite our breakup. How had he been since Ben's death? Had he turned to drugs to get over it? And Cody? How was he taking it all?
"Hey," Ellie exclaimed, cutting me off.
"Hey," I said, a little embarrassed.
"You're coming, we have to go to our group session!"
"Yes, I'm coming. I'll meet you in the hallway."
Ten minutes later, we arrived and settled into our seats, side by side. I refused to look up and see the devastation of Ben's death on my friends' faces. Just seeing what it had done to Ellie made me sick. I know, I was in denial, but how do you expect me to react to this? I'm not a strong person, on the contrary, I'm weak and unfortunately for me, I'll stay weak for the rest of my life.
"Let's start," said Mrs. Morse as soon as she arrived in the room.
I was surprised to see her here. She normally only did individual sessions. It made me uncomfortable. She knew too many details about my life, details that no one else was aware of. This made me vulnerable, even more so than I already was.
"I replace Mr. Dirk for this session because we thought it would be helpful for you to have someone who knows you around," she explained in her soft voice. "Who wants to start?"
No one answered, and a heavy silence fell. I kept my head down, hoping she wouldn't pick me first. Because that was the rule here. If no one wanted to go first, the person in charge would pick someone. And it was a very painful and embarrassing moment for the person chosen. I heard that it allowed others to jump in afterwards. But it never really worked with me.
"Amber, it's your turn!"
I was hardly surprised, believe me. With the luck I had, it was a sure thing that she would choose me at 200%. I slowly looked up to see that all eyes were on me. The horror. My anxiety grew and I began to fiddle with my fingers rather vigorously, praying that this moment would pass quickly.
"To tell you the truth, I'm feeling overwhelmed," I admitted with a shaky voice.
"We all do," she replied.
"No, not really like that," I explained to her by focusing my glance on her in order to avoid that of the others.
"What do you mean?" she urged me to speak.
"I... I feel guilty about his death," I said in a small voice.
"No, why do you say that?"
"Because I took him away from his friends and family! I took him away from the people he loved because I'm selfish and he turned to drugs. It's all my fault!"
During my tirade, I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face. I saw the surprised looks on my friends' faces and wanted to run away. As I was about to run away, someone caught my attention.
"You think it's your fault," said Logan. "Is that why you broke up with me? (Staring at me intently, he figured out the answer himself). Yes, you're really selfish."
"What?" I said in a choked voice.
"Yes, can't you see what's around you? You think you're the only one responsible, but I'm just as much to blame as you are," he shouted. "I'm the one who let him down, I'm the one who didn't give him time, I'm the one who didn't take care of him like a friend should have. So stop playing the victim, because you are not one."
These words shocked me and broke my heart into a thousand pieces. My tears started again and this time I ran away without even paying attention to those I was leaving behind.
*****
Chapter Thirty-Nine.
Sitting on my bed with the music blasting, I tried to relax and clear my head. But the words Logan had said to me five days earlier refused to leave my thoughts. It sent me into a rage. Even the music couldn't calm me down. I threw my headphones away and sighed in frustration. Why couldn't it get out of my head?
At about 12:30, I decided to get something to eat. I wasn't very hungry but I still wanted to get some food. This made me think of Ellie. A ball of anxiety invaded my stomach. I had to do something for her. The problem was that I had no idea what I could do. I wanted to help her get better. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was her.
So I was on my way, thinking of a way to help Ellie, when I bumped into someone.
"Watch where you're going!" a voice shouted at me.
The voice froze me and I slowly turned to face the person.
"Amber! What are you doing here?" said Logan, calming down a bit.
"I was on my way to the cafeteria," I replied.
Then I noticed what he had between his fingers. He tried to hide it, but I had already seen it. This made me angry and I unleashed my fury on him.
"You lecture me, but you're worse. You think smoking drugs will help you. All you're going to do is end up like Ben. Is that what you want?"
"You don't understand anything. You only see what you want to see and then you yell at me. You never understood me and you never will. Ben was my best friend, you see. All you focus on is yourself and what you did to Ben. But that's nothing compared to what I did to him. So stop acting..."
"Like I'm the victim," I finished for him. "Yes, I get it. I understood the first time," I shouted, taking my anger out on him. "Anyway, I can't talk to you, especially when you're smoking that stuff. I thought you'd quit, but I was very much mistaken. I thought you didn't want to touch it anymore because you were done with your addiction. I thought you knew me better than anyone, that we trusted each other and that I knew you. I thought you loved me but you broke my heart so many times. So yes, Logan, I am playing the victim. But I need to. Because right now, I'm in denial but it's keeping me from getting too depressed."
I finally took a breath, shocked by what I had just said. I had just revealed my darkest thoughts, what I was feeling right now. It felt so good. Then I looked at Logan, who was as surprised as I was. I was waiting for him to say something, anything, but he didn't. So I turned around, and headed for the cafeteria without even a backward glance. It was something I did often, I found myself thinking, however I couldn't stay where I wasn't needed. So if leaving was the answer, I did it without question.
*****
Chapter Forty.
I stood in front of Ellie's bedroom door, a little stressed about what I was about to do. Taking a deep breath and trying to relax, I knocked on her door and waited wisely for her to open it.
"Hey Amber, come!" she said, inviting me in.
I walked in and made myself comfortable, while a thousand thoughts ran through my head.
"Listen Ellie, I have something important to tell you."
"You're kind of scaring me with this. Is everything okay? Except you know..."
"Oh no, it's fine, let's just say better than the other day. But anyway, I didn't come here to talk to you about that."
"What about then?"
"About you."
"About me? There's nothing to say about me," she said, a little puzzled.
"Of course there is, Ellie. You become thinner and thinner and I want to help you to get better."
"It's normal!" she defended herself. "You've gotten thinner too. It's because of the events that have happened to us."
"But look at you please!" I exclaimed suddenly. "You can't go on like this. And I want to help you."
"You can't," she said in an emphatic tone.
"I can," I said in a determined voice, "because I'm your friend and I care about you. Don't you trust me?"
"You can't do anything for me, okay," she started to get angry. "You think it works like that, just because you want to help me? That's the problem. Everyone wants to help me here, and it makes me sick. I want to eat but the thing is, I can't. I've lost the habit. And I want to do it by myself."
"But Ellie, the people here want to help you because they care about you and want you to be okay. Because we love you the way you are. And I know that despite what you just said, the biggest problem is that you don't like yourself, that you don't like your figure. But take a good look at yourself Ellie, because you are beautiful and you will always be beautiful even if you gain a little weight. Forget about judgments, because Cody, Logan or me, we will never judge you. That's true friendship."
"Why are you saying this to me?"
"I fell into depression because I didn't like myself, and I still don't like myself. However, when I was with Logan, I started to like myself a little more every day and of course I ruined it. Then Ben died and I got caught up in my grief without paying attention to all of you, to Cody, Logan and you. It was a big mistake! Like the biggest mistake of my life. And I don't want you to become like me. I am a shadow of my former self. I'm trying to get back to the light and maybe now I can, but I need help too and I just realized that. So maybe we can help each other and get out of this downward spiral."
"Wow! Since when did you become this great poet?" she laughed.
"Since now!"
Then we started laughing, removing all the tension that had built up between us.
"Don't hate me, but I've got a plan," I whispered, trying to play it down.
"Go ahead, tell me your plan!"
"I, let's say, asked Mr. Paolini if we could come into the kitchen and make pizzas."
"Amber, do you know how much a pizza is in calories! I can't eat that!"
"Ellie, you don't have to eat it all. Besides, you're the one who's going to make it, so you can put in all the calories you want. You'll be able to keep control of your food this way. And I promise you, if you don't eat it, I'll eat it for you."
"What a greedy girl you are!"
And we resumed our laughter, heading for the cafeteria.
"I can't promise you anything, Amber. I can't promise you that I could eat it."
"I understand, and I don't want to force you. But I don't want to see you like this. Okay?"
"Okay."
*****
Photo Credits: Pinterest
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