Chapter Forty-One.
"Who do we start with this time?" asked Mr. Dirk during our group session.
"I did it last time, I'll pass," I said, crossing my arms over my chest.
"I'll go first," said Cody suddenly.
"Let's hear it then," said Dr. Dirk.
"Ben was one of my best friends, as you already know. But I have a feeling he's not the only one I've lost. I lost a little bit of the Logan I knew, because he's lost his zest for life since then, and it's affected us all. (Logan looked at him with a surprised but attentive look, as if he had just woken up). I've lost a little bit of Amber, a girl who has turned our lives upside down since she came here. (Now it was my turn to stare at him, taken aback by his words). And most of all, I lost a little bit of Ellie, this person who is really important to me, who makes me want to live, to laugh, to cry, to scream because I love this person with all my heart."
"Cody..." she said with a shaky voice.
"No, Ellie, don't interrupt me, please. (He walked over and knelt down in front of her). Ellie, I love you. I have since I met you. I know we've had our ups and downs, but I would never give you up. I would never. Even when you hurt yourself. I have a little trouble with that, as you know, (they laughed nervously), but I don't want to lose you. Will you forgive me?"
"Forgive you for what?" she asked worriedly.
"For not being good enough for you, most of the time, for raising my voice the other day, but mostly for not being there for you this week," he explained, looking into Ellie's eyes.
You could see the love they had for each other just by looking into their eyes. A love so strong that Ellie didn't know what to say. She kept opening and closing her mouth, but no words came out. I wish I knew that. However, my sense of guilt still prevented me from doing so.
Then, being mute, Ellie kissed Cody, which surprised everyone, starting with the young man. He took her in his arms and kissed her harder. It felt strange, both heartwarming and like being stabbed in the back. I looked back at Logan, who was staring back at me. I wanted so much to know what he was thinking at that moment.
"Cody, Ellie, please," Dr. Dirk finally said, clearing his throat.
"Excuse me," Ellie apologized, stepping away from Cody. "We'll have to talk," she whispered in his ear.
"Wh-what?" he stammered.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to bite you," she said, laughing.
"I think we'll finish the session now," Mr. Dirk said. "Meditate on Cody's words, the first words, huh! I don't want any kisses during the group session, understand?"
"Yes, yes," said Cody in a small voice.
I heard a chair make a noise and turned towards the sound to see Logan leave, without even a glance backwards. This time, he was the one leaving and I was sitting there like an idiot. Maybe I had been wrong to run away last time?
"Is everything okay, Amber?" Ellie asked, interrupting my train of thought.
"I'm not sure, but I'll be okay, I hope so," I replied sincerely.
*****
Chapter Forty-Two.
"Come on! Come on! You have to get in shape," said Mr. Bones, our gym teacher. "Okay, second group, come on. It will soon be your turn."
Being in the second group, I stood at the starting line, warming up my muscles. Mr. Bones had chosen the 3x500 for this term, and it wasn't easy. I had eaten a good breakfast in anticipation, but now that I could feel my food torturing my stomach, I thought maybe I shouldn't have eaten so much. I just hoped I wouldn't throw up. That would be a shame.
Someone bumped into me, and when I turned around, I saw Logan.
"Excuse me!" he exclaimed, like a stranger.
Then he took his place at the start and when the teacher whistled, he took off like a rocket. After a 250m lap, I couldn't take it anymore. I felt sick and had chills down my spine. However, I kept on trotting, reducing my pace little by little to ease the problem. It didn't work!
"Amber, are you okay?" asked a breathless Logan as he got up to the same pace as me.
"Yes, yes, I'm fine," I replied.
"You don't look fine. You look pale."
"I've always been pale."
"It's true," he admitted. "But this is even worse."
"I think I ate too much this morning," I admitted.
"It wasn't a good choice."
Suddenly I felt dizzy and had trouble breathing. I felt myself swaying even though the ground was flat and straight. I managed not to fall because Logan stopped running and grabbed my arm.
"Mr. Bones, Amber is not well. Can I take her to the infirmary?"
"Oh, how are you feeling, Amber?" he asked me as he reached us.
"Not very well," I managed to articulate.
"Okay, you're right, take her. Do you want me to make a note? For your next class?"
"Just let them know we went to the infirmary. That should do it," said Logan.
"Fine."
Then Logan half-carried me toward the infirmary. My stomach twisted in my belly, and I signaled Logan to slow down. He walked me over to a trash can while I was shaking from head to toe. He took off his jacket and put it gently on my shoulders to warm me up. Then I regurgitated my meal while Logan held my hair. I was getting it all over me. In short, it was horror!
"Are you feeling better?" the young man asked me, stroking my back once I was done.
I nodded, still leaning over the trash can and holding on to it like my life depended on it. He was so kind to do this for me when I had stained his jacket.
"I'm sorry," I managed to say in a hoarse voice. "I'm sorry about your jacket."
"It's okay," he replied with a small smile. "Come on! I'll take you to the infirmary where you can rest."
"Thank you," I said in a tiny voice.
"Don't worry," he said. "I'm here for you."
But I barely heard him. And thought I had been dreaming when the darkness closed in on me and enveloped me in blackness.
*****
Chapter Forty-Three.
"You gave us quite a scare in gym class yesterday," Ellie said as she approached a table in the cafeteria.
"Yes, I did, too," I said.
"You seem to be doing better, I'm glad. What did the nurse say?"
"That I had eaten something that my body couldn't digest and that with the exercise, it made me too tired so I passed out," I explained without going into too much detail.
"Wow! And Logan?"
"What about Logan?"
"Didn't he stay until the end ?" she asked me, curious.
"Yes, he was there with me when I woke up. And I think he held my hand while I was sleeping."
"Oh really! So you're back together?"
"No," I whispered sadly.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Amber. I can see how this makes you sad and I'm telling you about him and throwing the happiness I share with Cody back in your face. Some friend I am."
"Oh no, Ellie. Don't beat yourself up. It's not your fault. I'm the one who messed up Logan and me. I'm the one at fault. And I have to take responsibility for it. Even if it hurts."
"In my opinion, you should go to speak to him, at least to clear things up," she advised me.
"I don't know if I'd have the strength," I admitted with a sigh.
"I'm sure you do," Ellie said, taking my hand. "You just have to find it. And I'll help you."
"Oh..."
I was interrupted by the arrival of Cody, who came to greet Ellie before joining Logan at the other end of the cafeteria.
"Hey, how are you Amber?" the young man asked.
"I'm fine," I replied, glancing in Logan's direction.
"Good, I'm happy for you," he said.
"You can tell Logan I cleaned his jacket, if he wants it back."
"No worries. I'll give him the message."
"Why is he still there?" said Ellie.
I wanted to kiss her right then and there because she had read my mind. I was dying to ask that question, but didn't want to sound like a wimp in front of my friends by saying it out loud. So I thought it out loud and for once, it worked.
"He didn't want to be a bother," Cody admitted.
"Cody!" exclaimed the girl.
"Okay, fine, he wants to give you some space to think," he admitted, looking at me. "And just so you know, as much as he's going to kill me for telling you, since your last fight, he's been off the drugs."
He surprised me with his words, I thought for sure that he had found comfort in drugs and that he wouldn't give it up for me again. It must have shown on my face because Cody went on to say:
"And yes, you have a lot of effect on him. And despite everything he says, I'm sure he still loves you."
"Thanks Cody, but I'm not so sure," I said.
"How stubborn you two are," he sighed as he walked away. "See you later."
"See you later," Ellie and I agreed.
"See, I told you so," said the girl. "All you have to do is tell him how you feel and I'm sure he'll forgive you."
I turned back to the boys' table and watched as Logan looked back at me. We stared at each other for a few minutes before he turned his attention back to Cody.
"I don't think it's that easy. And look, I even need a messenger to talk to him," I replied.
"Yes, because you're too afraid to talk to each other face to face. Take your courage in both hands and go for it. You'll thank me later."
"It's easier said than done!" I replied, shrugging my shoulders.
*****
Chapter Forty-Four.
Sitting next to each other in philosophy class, Ellie and I pondered the proposed topic: "Do you really have to forgive your fellow man everything?" Not really liking this subject, I sank into my seat and waited for Ellie to come up with an idea. But nothing came to us.
"I suck at this," I complained.
"It's the subject that's hard," she reassured me. "Well, like any Philo topic, the big I is yes, the big II is no, and the big III: it depends."
"At least that's done," I laughed.
"Yes, but we don't have much time left," said the jet-black-haired girl.
"Well, the only idea I have is that it depends on what someone else has done. His degree of error, so to speak. If he did something small it's easier to forgive than something big that hurt us."
"I'll write it down!"
"Okay, now we're going to put it all together," said Mrs. Nigel, our philosophy teacher.
"Uh, we don't have much," Ellie whispered. "We're in trouble if she questions us."
"She'll hardly be surprised at me!"
Mrs. Nigel didn't quiz us, which Ellie and I really appreciated. But the class wasn't over yet, and we still had to hope that we wouldn't pass. I held my breath and prayed hard not to speak.
"Logan, what can you tell us about the subject?"
"Well... I can tell you my plan, if you want," he answered worriedly.
"Go on, then!"
"So, Big I: you can forgive someone if you really love them. Big II: you cannot forgive things that cannot be forgiven. Big III: forgiveness is a difficult thing that comes from us."
"Very good," congratulated Mrs. Nigel.
"But we are all human, we all make mistakes. And we shouldn't be judged for that."
Everyone turned to see who had spoken and all eyes converged on me. I hadn't even noticed that I had spoken, but I continued on to make my point.
"After all, in the Bible, God grants forgiveness to all, right?"
"Not to those who have committed one of the seven deadly sins," Logan replied.
"I'm sure he does," I replied.
"Because you've read the Bible?"
This made me angry. I ignored Mrs. Nigel's remarks and focused on Logan to retort again.
"No, but you can forgive a person who has acted with the intention of doing good."
"Not if they acted selfishly."
"What? I... she wasn't acting selfishly. She thought she was protecting a person who was hurt by her friend's death. And then that person was affected by the death too!"
"Everyone was affected, that's what this person doesn't understand! And until this person understands that, there will be no forgiveness."
"That's enough, both of you. In the principal's office now," roared Mrs. Nigel. "And I'll report you."
I angrily packed up my things and rushed after Logan down the hallway to the center's director's office. "Here we go for a morale lesson," I thought.
*****
Chapter Forty-Five.
"May I ask what you were arguing about in the middle of class?" asked Mr. Friedman, the center's director.
"We got emotional," I explained, feeling a little stressed about the situation.
I had never been in a principal's office for that reason. And it didn't make me feel any better. On the contrary, I was feeling a lot of anxiety about being here. I had never had a problem with anyone before.
"And why?" he continued in a loud voice.
"Let's just say Amber and I have some personal issues to work out," said Logan, more comfortable in this office than I was.
"And of course, you thought it was appropriate to do it in class, in front of Mrs. Nigel."
"It wasn't premeditated," I replied.
"But you did it anyway. Can't you control your emotions?"
"Not always, sir," Logan said, crossing his arms over his chest. "We're teenagers. You were once a teenager, weren't you?"
I was shocked by his audacity. What was he thinking talking to the principal like that? Did he want to get fired? Did he really hate me that much?
"Indeed, Mr. Reyes. But unlike you, I avoided getting into those situations, if you know what I mean. And watch your behavior. You've been good for a few months and now you're back. I'm a little disappointed though. I thought you had changed."
"I have!" exclaimed this one.
"So what are you doing in my office? (Logan didn't answer). Oh, I see. Love makes us do strange things, doesn't it!"
There was a silence in the room, heavy with innuendo. What did the director mean by that? Did he know about our relationship with Logan? I was interrupted by Mr. Friedman, who continued his speech.
"Your punishment, for there is one, will be to clean the entire center every afternoon for two weeks. That will teach you to answer to me. And fix your problems without further delay. Don't let me see you in my office again. I have enough to do."
"Sir, what punishment do I get?" I asked in a small voice.
"The same one, of course!"
"What? But that's not fair! I didn't answer you."
"Don't you do it now?"
That shut me up. That'll teach me to talk back. But what an idiot I am!
"Go on, get out of here! Fetch away! I have more important things to do than deal with hormonal teenagers," the director said impatiently.
*****
Chapter Forty-Six.
When I left the office, Logan looked at me carefully. I tried to guess his expression, but it remained neutral. Then he turned away and started to leave. However, the director was right about one thing that came to mind: he and I needed to work out some issues.
"Logan!" I shouted to get his attention. "Wait! I need to talk to you."
"Yes, I'm listening," he said, once he had retraced his steps.
"I feel bad, you know, about what's happening to us. And I know that Ben's death has affected us all. It affected you more than me. But I was blinded by a guilt I had no right to feel. I was obsessed with the last words Ben said to me. And I know that's no excuse, but..."
"What?" he interrupted me.
"What what?" I said without understanding.
"What did Ben tell you?"
"That I stole him, Cody, Ellie and you. That he didn't have anyone to count on, not even his family. And that he didn't want to get better because of it."
"What? I didn't know, Amber! And I accused you of lying..."
"But I lied, I hid the truth, I hide it all the time. Because I am afraid. I'm a coward and selfish."
"I only called you selfish because you hurt me and I was angry."
"But you were right!"
"No, you are the most loyal and kindest person I know. You try to help others all the time and you have a lot of compassion. But you can't help everyone, especially here. People close themselves off and have a hard time opening up when they are here. And I've been blindsided too. By Ben."
"What? That's ridiculous! He was your friend, no wonder you had to grieve. It wasn't a blind spot. And I shouldn't have stopped you."
"Stop talking nonsense! You could never have stopped me, come on."
"Do you think we'll ever get over his death?"
"I think that with time, yes. It's going to be hard but it's not insurmountable."
"I hope not. Because I don't want to lose you. And even though I've already lost you, even though we've hurt each other over it all, I still love you. And that's not just talk. I've never loved anyone like this before. I'm crazy about you and seeing you away from me, makes me sick. I guess I've been accumulating bad things lately and I'm still a little lost, even a lot, but I'm sure of what I'm feeling," I admitted, lowering my eyes.
I heard Logan come closer and he gently lifted my chin so I could look into his eyes. I had missed it. His amber eyes were so beautiful at that moment.
"I had no idea how you felt. I'm sorry I turned my back on you. I love you Amber. If you only knew how much I love you. I never wanted us to be apart. And I couldn't stand to see you hurt. I can't, even now."
"So what do we do?" I asked him.
"That," he answered with his characteristic smirk.
Then, he leaned over and kissed me passionately. Butterflies flew in my stomach and I melted in his arms. I was finally in my place, with the man I loved more than anything. And I told myself that everything would work out. Because I knew now that the love we have could help us get better and be happy.
*****
Chapter Forty-Seven.
3 weeks later.
"So, ready to go?" Logan asked me, sitting on my bed.
I closed my finally finished suitcase and sat down next to him, catching my breath.
"Yes, I'm ready. I'm going to miss this place though," I said.
"I'll miss it too, but we'll come back," he promised.
In those three weeks, a lot had changed. Logan and I had strengthened our love and that had allowed us to progress with our illness, until we were allowed to leave. I still couldn't believe it. I had spent so much time here at the center.
"Come on, it's time to go!" said my mother who had come to pick me up.
"I have to say goodbye first," I said.
"Amber!"
"It's important, Mom. I've been here for half a year. You can't expect me to just leave," I said.
"Okay, but make it quick, please!"
"Yes, I promise," I said, giving her a hug.
"She won't have to, we're all here!" said a very familiar female voice.
"Ellie!" I exclaimed as I ran to her. "I'm going to miss you so much. I'll come see you all the time!"
"I'll miss you too. But the nurses and doctors told me that I'll be able to go out soon too."
"That's great! You'll be able to see Cody again!"
"Yes! He couldn't make it, he had a soccer game today," the young woman explained.
"Yes, he had warned me. In any case, you are magnificent," I said to her.
She had started eating again at every meal, in small quantities of course. But it was a huge improvement for her and I was thrilled. Things were getting better for everyone. Then Ellie stepped aside and behind her were Dr. Parish and his new girlfriend Kate Morse.
"Oh, Steve. Thank you for everything you've done. And for being so welcoming!"
"My pleasure!"
"And for all those amazing outings!" I added with a big smile.
"If you want to do it again, call me!"
"Thank you too," I said to Mrs. Morse. "Thank you for all your help, both of you."
I had tears in my eyes and could hardly contain them. I hugged them all in a big group hug that I will always remember. It is because of this small group of people that I am who I am today, and that I was able to overcome my illness. I will always be grateful to them.
"So are you going to go to school?"
"Yes, the same one as Cody and Logan, Eastside High School."
"When do you start?" said Kate.
"In about a week."
"Good luck!" they told me one after the other.
"Thank you!"
"Well, it's time to go now," said my mother. "Will you help us with the luggage, Logan?"
"Yes, of course. A new life begins," he whispered in my ear.
I laughed uncontrollably and was soon joined by Logan and Ellie. Yes, a new life was about to begin, full of opportunities and experiences. And for once, I felt ready to face the world around me because I was no longer alone and I was no longer afraid. My wish had finally come true.
*****
Chapter Forty-Eight.
2 months later.
"You don't know how happy I am that you're here," I said to Ellie as I walked to my locker.
"You've been telling me that for two days, I think I get it," she replied.
"I'm allowed to show my joy, right?"
"Yes," she said, giving me a gentle pat on the shoulder.
I put my things on the shelves in front of me and picked up the book for my next class on medieval history.
"Oh look who's here! Isn't that our beautiful girlfriends?" Logan said from behind me as he hugged me.
"Yes," said Cody as he walked over to Ellie. "The prettiest girls in school."
"Oh, how flattering!" Ellie retorted.
"I'm only telling the truth!"
And they kissed passionately as I turned to Logan.
"So, are you ready for a little history session?"
"Not at all. Talking about dead people is boring. But since you're going to be next to me, I can handle the torture."
"Oh, how lovely!" I exclaimed.
"Well, I'm your Prince Charming so I act like one," he laughed.
"So you'll come rescue your princess when she needs it, that means. I get it!" I laughed back.
"Oh yes!"
I put my lips on his and let myself be overwhelmed by the sensations that his kiss gave me. However, we were interrupted by the bell.
"We'll meet you in the cafeteria," said Cody, who was leaving with Ellie for their math class.
"See you later," I greeted them, taking Logan's hand in mine.
Yes, nothing could be better than this moment. I was with all my friends and life was getting back on track. I felt more fulfilled than ever before and I knew without a doubt that it would continue like this despite some ups and downs. This is what life is all about and I was enjoying it again with the people I cherished most in the world.
The End.
*****
Author's notes
My inspirations for this fiction come from several things:
first, the American series The Red Band Society which gave me the main plot
second, the song Life is worth living by Justin Bieber which gave me the title because it's the message I wanted to send through this fiction
third, Teen Wolf who gave me the name of Amber's doctor, which is the name of the character from the show Jordan Parrish
I want to make it clear that I am not an expert on disease or behavioral disorders. What I am saying may not be true, or at least may be only part truth. I have tried to do my best to make it as true as possible.
Thank you
Photo Credits: Pinterest
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